Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
