Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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