i jhust puked up my retainher.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
My liver just had a heart attack.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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