Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My hand turned me down
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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