I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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