I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
