1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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