My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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