I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She's the barista slut.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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