yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
