fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You left your phone here
Wait...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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