I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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