In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
