I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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