I can't watch pbs sober anymore
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
