Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
