My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
