HIV tests are more positive than that guy
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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