god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
