your parents love me but you hate me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize