I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
