I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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