So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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