She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
