I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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