Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
