the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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