I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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