You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
