I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
