I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
