I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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