it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Banned from zoo.
Again?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
