at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
