dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize