Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
