I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
well you can't waste a boner
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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