got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
