Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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