I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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