I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize