No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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