headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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