Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
