Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I am one with the molecules
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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