remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
