I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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