umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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