I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
