U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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