wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
