So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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