she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
