If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
