I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he high fived his dick after we had sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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