Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
