Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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