Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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