you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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